


The Code to My Heart

by themuslimbarbie



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), DCU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Established Relationship, F/M, Falling In Love, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 10:06:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12528912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themuslimbarbie/pseuds/themuslimbarbie
Summary: “I look like a freakin’ bird,” Sara says.“Well, yeah,” Jax says. “But you make one hell of a pretty bird.”





	The Code to My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I started and plotted this while season two was still airing, so it's not completely season three compliant. However, I pulled things from season three and worked them in (namely Zari, but a few other things) as I saw fit.

Once, in the beginning, when things are new between them and they’re still learning all the little inches of each other, Sara asks him about his tattoos. She leans her head against his chest and her fingers trace the designs on his arms when she asks him about the first time he got one.

Jax rests his head on top of hers. He closes his eyes and sighs softly.

He was eighteen. He’d wanted one for a while, but his coach discouraged him, told him he needed to look professional for any potential scouts that might visit him.  Of course that went out the window when the particle accelerator blew and he lost all chances at his football scholarship. So one Saturday night when everything seemed lost, he thought _fuck it_ and walked to the closest tattoo shop.

When he came home, his mom – bless her heart – took one look at his arm and laughed. She laughed so hard she cried, and then told him she was proud of him for taking control of his life. And, in that moment, for the first time since the particle accelerator exploded, he thought that maybe, just maybe, they’d be alright.

“Your mom sounds like quite a person,” Sara says, and he thinks he can feel her smiling against his chest as she squeezes his arm gently. He smiles and nods as he wraps his arms around her and holds her a little closer to him. And it’s just as he’s about to drift to sleep that she says, “I almost got a tattoo when I was eighteen, too. My story’s not as sweet though. I snuck out two days after my birthday. Got all the way to the shop before my dad showed up and dragged me home.”

Jax’s eyes snap open and he thinks back to the younger version of Sara and the brief amount of time he saw her. He thinks about the dorky flower child with short skirts and jean jackets and ridiculous bangs, and tries to imagine her getting a tattoo. It takes everything in him not bust out into laughter.

“Oh?” he asks, failing pretty badly. Sara shoves his shoulder and this time he does laugh. “Sorry,” he says even though he knows she can tell he absolutely does not mean it. “What were you gonna get?”

For a good minute he thinks she won’t tell him. But he thinks she has to get why he’s laughing because she eventually says, “A shark. They’re my favorite animal. When I was a kid, I had this stuffed toy I used to take everywhere. Even took it to college. Laurel still had it the last time…” she trails off.

There's this look on her face, somewhere between broken and tired – the look she gets when she stops to think about Laurel, about all the things she's lost. He rarely sees it nower days. He isn't sure if that's because she's gotten better about the whole situation or just better at hiding it. Probably a bit of both.

She shakes her head and smiles before Jax has a chance to say anything. “So, yeah, a shark.”

He raises a brow because that was probably the last thing he expected her to say. Out of all the animals in the world, he would have never pegged Sara as a shark girl. Yeah, sure, a canary probably would have been a little too on the nose, but a shark seems a little on the opposite end of the spectrum.

Then again, there was this documentary on marine life a substitute teacher put on when he was in middle school. He didn’t pay attention to most of it – he had class with this cutie named Cassie who asked to borrow his algebra notes. But he thinks he remembers a bit on sharks and how their reputation of being these horrible, murdering animals who will go after anything that crosses their path was actually the furthest thing from the truth.

Turns out sharks are pretty chill dudes when they don't feel threatened. They just want to be left alone to do their own thing. People just assume that because they can and have killed humans, that's all they do. But they're so much more than that.

Jax smiles. “It suits you.”

She tilts her head up and looks at him with a gentle smile. “Yeah?” she asks.

“Definitely,” he says. “Shark Girl,” he teases. “Remind me to hook you up with the King Shark the next time we’re in Central City.”

She shoves him again, but laughs.

 

.

 

The first time Jax uses a nickname with Sara, it's an accident.

It's a rare, surprisingly quiet night, where there are so anachronisms or aberrations or Time Bureau assholes bothering them. Ray and Nate realize that neither Amaya nor Zari have ever seen the James Bond movies and immediately decide they need to have a move night.

They assign Sara and Jax snack duty while everyone else sets the parlor up for the movies.

“I took the popcorn over,” Sara says, walking over to where Jax has pooled the various candies they've picked up along their trips. And the beers, because he's pretty sure they're gonna need some alcohol to handle the night. Sara seems to have the same idea because she pops one of them open and takes a swig. “I can help take these when you're ready,” she says, gesturing to his collection once she's done with her drink.

He grins as he adds some Cadbury eggs to the mix. Without thinking, he says, “Thanks, babe.”

It's probably a little funny how they both freeze as soon as the word slips out of his mouth. He waits a beat before he looks up and sees her giving him this _look_ and for a second Jax thinks she's going to do that thing where she wrinkles her nose when someone says something stupid. That she will hate it and wonder how he could ever think calling him that was a good idea.

But then something else happens, something almost even more surprising than Jax giving her a pet name –Sara smiles in this bright, honest way she sometimes reserves for just him when they're alone.

Jax thinks he feels something inside him open, and decides then and there that he'll do it again.

Anything, he thinks, to see her smile like that.

 

.

 

After a mission in the nineties, Ray and Nate decide to celebrate. Jax knows this because they nearly run him over when he’s leaving the engine room.  They’re so excited they keep talking over each other as they try to explain that some band called Sugar Ray is playing tonight. In an hour.

Nate holds up tickets as they explain this.

“The Professor doesn’t want to come,” Amaya says from behind them. She has that look she gets when she doesn’t know if she actually wants to do whatever it is Nate and Ray are excited about but is prepared to do it because it's Nate and Ray. Zari stands next to her with her arms crossed and an annoyed look they all know is feigned. “We haven’t found Sara yet.”

“I think she’s in the library,” Jax says. “Why don’t you guys go ahead and we’ll catch up?” He’s pretty sure Sara won’t be thrilled about it, but he’s not about to tell them that when the boys are grinning at him like kids in a candy store.

Besides, that’s pretty much all it takes for them to take off running, dragging Amaya and Zari along with them.

And, just like he thought, Jax finds Sara in the library, having her post-mission drink as she finishes boxing away the recent mission plans. She smiles when she sees him and greets him with a kiss when he walks over. He grins against her lips, and when she pulls back, he swipes her glass off the table. She raises a brow when he finishes her drink.

“Nate and Ray dragged Amaya and Zari to a Sugar Ray concert,” he says before she can ask what’s up. “It starts in an hour. I told them we’d meet them there.”

“ _Sugar Ray_?” she asks. “Are you serious? _Why_ would you tell them we’d go to that?”

Jax sighs. “I dunno. They looked mad excited about it. It woulda been like kicking a couple of puppies or something.”

She purses her lips for a moment before she sighs. “Okay, but first I have to get out of this outfit.” She gestures towards her era clothing – a mini dress with a feather-trimmed jacket over it. It’s the kind of ridiculous outfit Jax didn’t think people actually wore outside of a few bad movies.

It looks absolutely hilarious on her.

He grins. “I dunno, babe,” he says taking a step forward, closing the distance between them. “I’m kinda feeling it now.”

“I look like a freakin’ bird,” Sara says.

“Well, yeah,” Jax says. “But you make one hell of a pretty bird.”

She snorts. “Smooth,” she says then pauses. “You said we had an hour, right?” She tilts her head and looks at him with a mischievous smirk. “Are you really feeling this look?” she asks, running her hand down the side of his arm. “Are you sure there isn’t something else you’d rather be feeling, _babe_?”

His eyes widen and he looks down at her, not quite sure what to believe. This thing between them isn’t exactly new anymore, but sometimes he still expects for it to all change back to what it was before. Not that what they had before was bad. He liked what they had before. It just wasn’t this. And he _really_ likes this too.

“Sara…” 

He half expects her to suddenly back-up and laugh at him. For it to just be a joke, because she’s Sara and he’s Jax and goofing around with each other is the sort of thing they do. But she shifts forward instead, and wraps her arms around his neck.

“Jax,” she says back, her lips almost, but not quite, brushing against his.

Aw, _hell_.

She laughs into his mouth when he kisses her.

Oh yeah? Well, two can play that game.

His hands slide down her back to her waist before settling on her hips. He grips her tightly before lifting her up. Sara gasps but wraps her legs around his waist.

“Jerk,” she hisses.

He smirks and kisses the crook of her neck as he carries her to the desk. “Gideon, do me a solid and lock the doors, would ya? We’re gonna need a minute.”

“Just a minute?” Sara asks.

“Shut up.”

She laughs and kisses him again.

 

.

 

The first time they fight – like really, truly fight – it's about Sara’s drinking.

He's seen it before with his Uncle Lou. Uncle Lou was good at it too: he always went to work, always showed up to his kids’ games, always made sure his family was provided for. He did everything he was supposed to. Except he always did it with a flask in his pocket, a bottle in his hand, or some oil his system. Always said he had it under control. And he did. Until one day he didn't.

So, yeah, Jax knows a thing or two about the signs.

Sara should too, he thinks, considering her family's history of alcoholism.

She laughs when he brings it up, probably thinking he's just teasing her. She tries to brush it off when she realizes he's serious, and tells him it's not a big deal. She snaps when he doesn't let it go and then, well, it doesn’t take long for the snapping to escalate.

Before he knows it, shouts are being thrown and walls are being put up. It goes exactly opposite of what he wanted, which he thinks shouldn’t surprise him because that’s generally how interventions go, but the longer it goes, the less clearly he thinks. And the less clearly Sara thinks.

“Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”

“Because I’m worried about you! I care about you and I’m worried about you. Why is that so to grasp?”

“Well, if you really cared about me, you would trust me!”

Jax freezes. His chest feels hollow and his stomach heavy, and he thinks that maybe you could suck all the air out of the room and he wouldn’t notice, because that _hurts_. More than he thinks he cares to admit.

“You think I don’t _trust you_? Sara, I’ve done nothing but trust you ever since we got on this ship. How could you even think that I wouldn’t?”

He doesn’t wait for a response – he just turns around and leaves their room.

But when he turns the corner, he spots Ray and Nate standing halfway to the engine room, pretending to act like they didn't just hear shouting. And even though Jax knows they've already spotted him and even though he wants nothing more than to go to the engine room and distract himself, he doesn't think he can be around anyone else right now. So he turns back around and walks down the corridor until he comes across his old room, the one he doesn't think he's been to since he moved into Sara's room.

Their room.

He shakes his head and enters the room, making sure to lock the door behind him for whenever Gray decides to try to talk to him about the waves of emotions he’s suddenly feeling.

Then he lets it all out: the frustration, betrayal. And insecurity. It all bubbles up and spills out. And he screams.

When it doesn't help, he snaps and, without stopping to think about it, punches the wall above his bed.

His fist goes straight through and he regrets it as soon as the sharp pain shoots through his hand. When he pulls his hand back to check it out, his knuckles are bloody and already beginning to swell. It’ll bruise for sure, he thinks, but probably isn’t broken. Even if it is, it’s nothing Gideon can’t take care of. But going to the Med Bay would require him to leave his room. Which would likely mean having to explain what exactly made him punch a wall to begin with.

Yeah, Jax thinks he’d rather put his other hand through the wall than do that.

He finds an old purple shirt in one of the dressers, and tears a large strip of fabric. He sits on the edge of his old bed and wraps his hand the best he can. It takes him four tries to tie the fabric one-handed before he gives up and just tucks the ends of the strip in. He sighs and falls back down into the bed, and tries very hard not to think about Sara and her drinking and her doubts.

It doesn’t work.

Someone knocks at his door.

Jax frowns. “Not now, Gray,” he calls. There’s a small pause and then three more knocks. He groans and rolls out of his bed to open the door. “Really not mood right now,” he says. “So maybe save the lect…” he trails off when he opens the door and finds Sara, not Gray, standing there. For a moment he’s tempted to ask her if she’s there to yell at him some more, but bites his tongue when she gives him a small, but tight smile. “Hey,” he says instead.

“Hey,” she says and holds up a first aid kit. “Gideon said you might need this.”

He lets out an annoyed sigh – _of course_ Gideon would snitch on him – but moves out of the way and lets Sara into the room. “It’s not that bad,” he says as she sits on the bed and opens the first aid kit. She doesn’t say anything, just glances at the hole in the wall and then at his purple-shirt-wrapped hand, and raises a brow. “Fine,” he says kinda dramatically and sits down at the edge next to her.

Neither of them say anything as Sara disinfects and bandages his hand up. But the longer they sit there in silence, the more Jax’s anger starts to fade, a soft wave of guilt replacing it. Not guilt over what he said, because he still thinks it’s something they need to talk about, but over _how_ he said it. There were definitely better ways he could have approached the topic.

She doesn’t move when she finishes wrapping his hands. She sits there, her eyes on his bandaged hand when she softly tells him, “I know how much you trust me, Jax. That's why I didn't want to talk about it.”

“I don't…”

“It… helps me.” She purses her lips and keeps her eyes glued on his now bandaged hand. “The drinking. It dulls things. Makes it easier to control the… the bloodlust.”

That wave of guilt? Yeah, it comes crashing down. Hard.

“Shit, Sara. I didn’t think.” He takes her hands in his. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have -”

She shakes her head. “You didn’t know,” she says. She takes a breath and finally looks up at him. “I wanted to tell you, but we never really talk about it. The bloodlust, I mean,” she says.

“We can. If you want to,” he tells her. “You can talk to me about anything, you know that, right?”

“I know,” she says. “And I want to sometimes. But then I stop myself because… Because I don’t want to remind you of it. Of what I’ve done. Of who I used to be.” She pauses and bites her lip before she admits, “You’re the only one who's never said it, you know? So I thought if I brought up the bloodlust…”

“You thought that’d change?” he asks. “Well, it won’t. Babe, it doesn’t matter what you tell me, because there’s nothing you could tell me that would change the way I think about you, okay?” He takes her face in his hands. “You can _always_ talk to me. If you want to. I’ll be here for you. Trust me.”

She places her hands over his, careful to avoid his injuries. “Promise?” she asks.

He nods. “Promise.”

“Okay,” Sara says, smiling softly. “Okay.”

 

.

 

Sometimes, on the rare occasion that they aren't saving history, the team visits home. Gray comes up with the idea after he almost misses Lily’s birthday, and the rest of the team agrees. Even Amaya, who can’t risk going back to 1942, and Ray, whose relationship with his family isn’t the best, look forward to the breaks, especially once Nate starts incorporating them into his family visits. Zari too, once she joins their little family.

It helps, Jax thinks, seeing family and city. Reminds them of the people you fight to protect, the history they need to preserve.

And Beverly Ann Jackson is definitely someone worth fighting for.

Jax doesn’t know how his mom does it, but she always seems to know exactly when he’s going to visit home. And she doesn’t just know – she’s ready for him with a home cooked meal and a new jacket or pair of shoes she bought since his last visit. (He tries to tell her that he doesn’t need the latter because they have a machine that can make them all the clothes they would ever need. He barely makes it halfway through his explanation before his mom gives him this _look_ that shuts him up immediately.)

Sometimes Jax brings her things too – books from the sixties, some scrimshaw he did on his down time on the ship, a cross blessed by the Pope in sixteenth century Italy. Her favorite, though, is the box of salted caramel chocolates he transmutates for her once. She never eats them, probably finds it too strange knowing it was once a pillow, but she keeps the box on the dresser in her bedroom to remind her of everything her son’s done and everything he can do.

He’s the most important thing in her life, he knows.

Or at least he was before he started dating Sara.

“How’s my girl doing?” she asks. “She still keeping your folks in check?”

Jax sighs dramatically. “ _I’m_ doing great mom. Thanks for asking.”

“Oh, stop that,” she says, swatting his arm. “I can see that you’re fine. I haven’t seen Sara yet.”

“Mom.”

“Don’t ‘ _mom_ ,’ me, Jefferson. You’ve always introduced me to your girlfriends.”

Girlfriend.

It sounds… strange. Not because he’s used to referring to her as his friend, because he’s long past that now. And not because Sara might be approaching too old to be referred to as a girl. It’s just that there’s something about _girlfriend_ that feels almost too casual to describe what she is to him. What she means.

Jax thinks about that later when he boards the Waverider and finds Sara’s sitting in her captain’s chair. He knows she has to hear him, but she doesn’t turn around the way she used to when they first got on the ship and everyone was still new to her. Back, he thinks, when she wasn’t ready to trust people yet. Ready to open up to them.

He rests his hand on her shoulder and kisses the top of her head. She relaxes under his touch, but doesn’t look up at him. He peers over her and finally notices the picture she’s holding.

“Hey,” he says playfully, “It’s Bangs!”

Sara spins in the chair around to face him and raises a brow. “ _Bangs_?”

“Yeah,” he says pointing to the picture of eighteen-year-old Sara with a horrible haircut and a cheesy grin. “Bangs,” he repeats. “Get it? Because-”

“I got it,” she says and glares.

He grins.

She rolls her eyes but smiles and holds up the picture for him to see. “Ollie gave it to me. They found it in Laurel’s thing,” she explains. “It's me, him, and Laurel. Right before I went off to college.”

Right around the time the Pilgrim would have tracked her down, she doesn't add.

Zari once asked Jax about what it had been like to meet a version of Sara that wasn't his Sara. From what they told her about the teenager with the bad bangs and short skirts, she didn't seem that much like the woman leading them. Which, in a way, Jax supposes is true. But, then again, he's not the same kid he was before the particle accelerator exploded either. A lot has to change for a regular teenager to become a superhero.

But, still, he thinks he can still see Sara in Bangs. It's the little things, he thinks – the way she smiles, the way she wrinkles her nose, even the way she kinda really sucks at lying. Sara's been through a lot over the years, probably more than Jax can actually imagine, but as far as he can see she's still Sara. Older, wiser, more protected, but still Sara. Just with a better haircut.

“Hey, Sara,” he says, but then stops when he realizes she is looking at the picture.

She has that look on her face again, the one where she remembers the things she's lost. And he thinks it won't be long before it disappears and the wall comes back up, and she tries to protect herself from the hurt. From losing anything else.

And it's probably twisted logic on his part, but that wall is the reason he stops himself from asking her if she would like to meet his mom. Because she is Sara now and not eighteen-year-old Bangs, and even if she's the same person, things are not the same. And he thinks that maybe it'd be too much for her right now. For them. That one step too far could make her think he's the next thing she's going to lose. And he wants to be sure that he won't be, but there's only so much he can promise in their line of work.

Sara finally look at him. “Yeah?”

He grins and snatches the picture from her hands. “I've got just the frame for this. Now where you thinking we put it? The bedroom or the parlor? ‘Cause I'm thinking the parlor – gotta let everyone see it.”

“No way!” Sara says, reaching for it.

Jax takes a step back and holds the picture above his head. She grins when she tries to get it and doesn't pull any sort of ninja move, which makes his grin widen. He backs up a few steps, and he waits a beat to make sure she really doesn't mind, before he turns and runs down the corridor. She calls his name as she runs after him, and there's a lightness to it that wasn't there a minute ago.

Maybe she isn't ready for that next step, but hopefully they'll get there.

 

.

 

Once upon a time, Jax had a bad habit of cracking his knuckles before a game. Called it a good luck charm. It drove his mom up the fucking wall – insisted it would give him early arthritis one day. But he didn't care. Anything to win the game, right?

Sometimes he still catches himself doing it. Usually before a big battle, which of course leads to Gray nagging him the same way his mom did. But, sometimes, he does it afterwards, when he's taken one too many hits and his knee is really feeling it. He doesn't know why, but it helps. Calms him down and helps him to not think of the pain.

The first night he tells Sara that, she doesn't even question his reasoning. But does she go digging into the chest of herbs she keeps at the foot of their bed, and pulls out a container with some kind of paste he's pretty sure she made herself. She sits on the bed and pulls his legs onto her lap and massages the cream onto his knee.

It doesn't magically erase the pain or even his bad habit, but it helps. So does knowing that she's there for him, ready to help, even if it's something as simple as giving him a massage.

Sara's bad habit, weirdly, is tapping her fingers.

He noticed it the first week they were on the ship together. It’s strange because when she wants to be, she is easily the stealthiest person he's ever met. But there were times where it seemed like she couldn't physically be still. It got better after they got her back from Nanda Parbat. Or at least it was better until she started cutting back on the drinking. And, then, suddenly it comes back. She never says as much, and Jax never asks for confirmation, but he knows it's the bloodlust.

One night, when she thinks he's asleep, he hears her tapping against the side of the bed. It starts off slowly, but steadily increases, until he thinks she might actually break the side of their bed. After only a few minutes, he feels the bed shift slightly and Sara gets out. She almost makes it to the door by the time he lifts his hand and taps a pattern against their headboard.

Sara stops. A beat passes and then another before she turns and looks at him. “Did I wake you?” she asks.

He smiles and shakes his head. They both know he's lying. She frowns and opens her mouth to say something but stops when he taps the pattern again. “Morse code,” he explains. “ _S-O-S_. We'll start there ‘cause you probably oughta know that one, but there's loads more.”

“You should get some sleep.”

“Nah, I'm good,” he says sitting up. He fights back a yawn and pats the bed next to him. Sara doesn't move. He shrugs. “You don't gotta if you don't wanna, but don't stop on my account. It's not like I'm gonna be able to go back to sleep without you.”

Jax isn't sure which one of them is more surprised by his confession, but he realizes means it. He thinks she knows that because she smiles softly. He grins back and pats the bed again, and after a moment she sits down beside him.

 

.

 

Jax has had exactly two previous relationships.

The first was in elementary school with a girl who went by Gen. She was the cute girl who rode his bus and for months Jax didn’t think she even knew he existed. But then one day she came up to him one day at recess, declared that she liked him, and that he was going to be her boyfriend now. He’d barely gotten the chance to say yes before she kissed him. They stayed a “couple” until she moved away over the summer.

The second was Lori Reilly, his high school sweetheart. They’d met on the first day of sophomore year when they’d been paired together on a chemistry assignment. One thing had led to another pretty quickly, and the next thing Jax knew he had fallen in love for the first time. They had plans for their future – they would go to college together, she would get an internship with a fancy politician and he would get drafted into the NFL. And then, once everything was set in place, Jax would propose and they would get married and live happily ever after.

Except those plans changed when the particle accelerator exploded and he lost any chance at affording college. Especially when Lori got her acceptance letter to Princeton and, well, they both knew Jax would only hold her back. So they broke up. And Lori went off to study pre-law at an ivy-league college while Jax stayed in Central City to become a mechanic.

It worked out for him in the end, he knows. He became Firestorm and joined the Legends and became an aero-mechanic and met Sara, none of which would have ever happened if he had gone off to college. And Jax knows that and he’s grateful for all the good things came to his life after the breakup, but that doesn’t make it any easier when he runs into Lori a few years into their future.

“I didn’t know you were in Metropolis now,” Lori says, hugging him. “I just moved here for a job.”

“Uh, no. Just visiting. We’re actually leaving today,” Jax says.

It’s only then that Lori notices Sara standing beside him. She smiles, holds her hand out, and introduces herself as his friend from high school. Sara smiles back and shakes her hand.

“Sara. I’m Jax’s partner,” she says.

Lori talks to him a bit more – tells him about her new job working for the State Senator and her recent engagement. Jax smiles and congratulates her, and vaguely mentions an internship at Palmer Tech. She hugs him once more before she leaves and tells him they should keep in touch. The way she says it makes Jax thinks she knows that they know it won’t happen. They’ve both moved on and have nothing in common left. ‘Sides, it’s not like Jax could keep in touch with her even if he wanted to.

“Seeing Lori like that must have been hard,” Sara says later that night when she finds him in the engine room trying to find any excuse to avoid thinking the meeting. Which, honestly, he should have known wouldn’t work with Sara.

Jax doesn’t say anything at first, unsure how to even answer. But after a moment he lets out a soft sigh and nods. “It was, actually,” he admits. “Not that I’m not happy, but it sucks, ya know? Seeing…”

“Seeing the life you thought would be yours?” she asks.

It occurs to Jax that Sara dying meant coming back to an entirely different world, one that had moved on from her. To people who had lives that no longer involved her. It isn’t exactly the same situation, but Jax thinks that if anyone were to understand him right now, it would be her. Which, in a way, doesn’t surprise him because it’s Sara and she has a way of always getting him when no one else does. She’s always there beside him, helping him, making him better.

“How do you deal with it?” he asks.

She purses her lips. “Well, first you learn to accept that it’ll never stop sucking. It may suck less sometimes, but realizing you’re just as replaceable as the next person doesn’t ever not suck and you’ll never be able to change that.”

He snorts. “That’s great.”

“And then,” Sara continues, “You learn to focus on what you _can_ control. The choices you do have – what you’re going to do with your life now, how you’re going to do it, and who you want to do it with.”

Jax purses his lips and thinks about what she says. He thinks about his relationship with Lori and about the things that went out of his control – his injury, his inability to pay for school, the distance between Central City and Lori’s dream school – and thinks about the life he wanted with Lori and the future they dreamed of. A future where he could take care of his family, where he would have semblance of stability, where he would have a partner by his side.

“I choose this,” he tells Sara. Because he thinks everything he wanted back then was built on the type of relationship he wanted with Lori. The kind of relationship that feels a lot like the one has with Sara now.  “You, me, the Legends, and everything we do. That’s the life I choose.”

Sara smiles and kisses him once, gently. “Good,” she says. “Because that’s what I chose, and doing it without you would really suck.”

Yeah, he thinks as she gets up to go back to piloting the ship, he feels the same way.

 

.

 

At some point, Sara starts doing this thing where she wears his shirts at night. The first time she does it, walks into the room wearing an oversized blue tee that goes halfway down her thighs, he wonders if she’s partially doing it to get the reaction out of him. (Which she gets. A very long reaction that has him very grateful for their soundproof walls that night and an unlimited supply of coffee the next morning.)

That first time turns into another time, and then another time, and another time, until one day he realizes he can’t even remember the last time he saw her sleep in something other than one of his shirts. Not that he minds. There's something really attractive about her wearing his clothes – in the way they hang off of her, the way she looks so comfortable in something made for him, even the way he knows it will still smell like her the next time he wears it.

Yeah, all of that goes out the window the morning he doesn’t find his favorite shirt anywhere in their room. He practically turns the room inside out trying to find it. It’s only when he’s about to go check his old room that Sara walks out of their bathroom with wet hair, wearing only his shirt. His favorite shirt. The same one he just destroyed their room trying to find.

“ _What_ happened?” she asks, looking around the room.

“I was trying to find my shirt. _That_ shirt,” he explains. “I wanna wear it.”

She raises a brow. “Wear another shirt.”

“Look, babe, normally I’m _all_ about this,” he gestures towards her. “But I wanna wear that shirt so can you just take it off? It’s not like you’re gonna be wearing it around the ship anyways.”

“And why not?” she asks. “It looks better on me than you, anyways.”

“I’m _pretty_ sure it doesn’t.”

Sara doesn’t reply at first, just stares at him as this smirk creeps up on her lips. The one she gets when she’s plotting something. “Oh?” she says, taking a step forward. Jax immediately takes a step backwards and the back of his legs hit the bed. “Really now?”

She takes another step forward, closing the distance between them, and places her hand on Jax’s chest and pushes him slightly so that he lands seated on the bed. Before he has a chance to even react, Sara climbs on him and straddles his lap. She cups his face in her hands and kisses him, long and hard, leaving him breathless when she finally pulls back. Her hands move down his shoulders to his arms before creeping around to his back, and her lips find that spot at the edge of his jawline.

She smacks his hands away when he rests them on her waist.

“Babe,” Jax says, his voice more hoarse than he’d like. “What are you doing?”

“Proving a point.” He can practically hear her smirking. “ _Babe_ ,” she adds, her teeth grazing against his ear. “Now what was that you were saying about the shirt looking better on me?” she asks.

He purses his lips.

She presses into his lap.

He gulps.

Sara spends the rest of the day wearing his shirt and a very smug grin.

 

.

 

It takes Firestorm weeks to perfect the trick, because, as it turns out, turning a large solid object into another large solid object is actually a hell of a lot harder than turning it into something like water or candy. The number of random boxes, furniture, and dishes they blow up trying to get it right is probably a little bit embarrassing. But he and Gray stick with it until, one night, they’re able to transmutate a stool into a solid, non-exploding stuffed shark.

He grins so hard he almost starts laughing when they separate. Even Gray smiles and pats Jax on the shoulder proudly. “Go on then,” he says. “Go give it to Miss Lance.”

She’s already in bed, flipping through a book, by the time Jax makes it back to their room. He hides the toy behind his back quick enough to keep Sara from seeing what it is, but not enough for her to not notice what he’s doing. She raises a brow but Jax cuts her off before she can ask him about it.

“Close your eyes,” he tells her. Sara gives him a confused look, but does so. He sits on the edge of the bed and positions the shark in front of her face. “Okay,” he says. “You can open ‘em now.”

When she does, her eyes quickly widen. She takes the stuffed shark from his hands, her gaze alternating between it and him before she finally settles on him. “Where did you…?”

He grins. “You like it? Gray and I transmutated it. Took a little while to get it righ-”

Sara cuts him off when she lunges at him so quickly that she knocks him over and onto the bed. She kisses him once, long and hard, and when she pulls back, she gives him this look – with all these emotions in her eyes – that takes his breath away for a moment.

“Thank you,” she whispers, hugging him tightly. “This… it… it means a lot,” she says in a way that makes him think it’ll mean more to her than he’ll ever really know.

He hugs her back and thinks, _I’d do anything for you_.

“His name’s Fins,” Jax says instead.

Sara looks up at him and raises a brow. “You named him? Pretty sure I'm supposed to do that.”

“Yeah? Come up with something better than Fins,” he challenges.

She pauses and, after a moment, frowns. He grins. “Shut up,” she says.

He laughs. “Fins it is.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not calling him that,” she says defiantly.

She looks hella ridiculous when she says it, all serious while she’s half on top of him, holding onto the stuffed shark squeezed between them. Without thinking about it, he leans up and kisses her again, softly this time. Sara smiles gently, her nose pressed against his and her eyes locked on his.

And, for a moment, Jax thinks he can actually feel his heart floating away.

 

.

 

It kinda becomes a joke between them after that, where Sara refuses to call the stuffed shark by Jax’s nickname and Jax refuses to stop calling it that. He starts making up excuses to say it – S _hould we keep Fins on the bed or the dresser? Do you think Fins is a great white or something else? You know, Fins actually makes a pretty good pillow_. Sara grins every time he says it, and always responds, but seems to take it as a challenge to not call the stuffed animal by his name.

Jax thinks it’s hilarious. It’s the first story he tells his mom when she goes through her usually routine of asking him about Sara.

When he finishes, his mom smiles at him softly. “Have you told her yet?”

“Told her what?”

“That you love her, of course. What else?”

Jax’s eyes widen. “Mom… I… We…”

She purses her lips and crosses her arms over her chest. “You know you’re older now than your father ever was.”

Jax shuts his mouth instantly. His mom doesn’t miss a beat and tells Jax that if she hadn’t told his father her feelings when she had a chance, who knows what could have happened. For all she knows, she wouldn’t have her son right now and she doesn’t even want to begin to imagine that.

“Sometimes life is shorter than we expect, Jefferson. You don’t want to live with regrets. Make sure she knows.”

The words echo in his mind, all the way back to the ship. He thinks about it when the whole team is gathered and the Waverider is back in the temporal zone.  Which is how Sara finds him in the engine room, tools in hand and thoughts heavy.

She brushes a hand against his shoulder, not even slightly offended that he didn’t notice her when she came in the room. She grins and holds up an ugly orange bag that says “Patty Shack” and gestures for him to follow her away from the Time Drive.

She plops down near the wall. “Are you ready to have the best burger of your life?”

“No way,” Jax says, sitting down next to her. “Babe, you guys got a Burger Fool in Star City?”

Sara scoffs but smiles as she nudges him with her shoulder. She digs two burgers out of her bag and hands him one. “Double bacon and no pickles,” she tells him.

“Perfect,” Jax grins. He unwraps his and thinks _damn_ when he takes his bite because that is one hell of a burger. He doesn't say it, but, judging by the smug look on Sara's face, he doesn't have to for her to know. “How was your visit?” he asks instead.

Sara snorts, but answers. “It was good. I… went to a meeting with my dad.” She keeps her eyes glued to her burger as she says it, her fingers clenching a little too tightly to the bun.

It takes him a second to realize what kind of meeting she means. When he does, he smiles. “I'm proud of you,” he says, his hand resting on her knee.

Sara smiles softly. “Thanks,” she says and leaves it at that. Jax doesn't push her. One step at a time. “How was yours?” she asks. “Your mom doing okay?”

“Yeah,” he says. “She always is.” He pauses for a moment and then adds, “Would you wanna come with me some time?”

This time she does stare at him. “You want me to meet your mom?”

Jax shrugs, trying to play it cool. “She asks about you all the time.”

She shakes her head. “That's not what I'm asking. Jax, do _you_ want me to meet your mom?” she asks. “Because it’s okay if you don’t.”

The way she says that last bit catches him off guard, because she says it gently, tentatively, as if she's testing something. Her face stays neutral, but her eyes stay soft, and she looks at him in this way that's almost vulnerable. It's so quiet, so subtle, that he almost wonders if she realizes she's doing it. If she's opening up to him without realizing it.

And it suddenly occurs to Jax that Sara could want this too. That maybe she thought he was the one who was nervous about this step. That he never asked her to meet his mother because he wasn't ready for that. That maybe, just maybe, she wanted to protect him the way he wanted to protect her.

He leans forward and closes the distance between them and kisses her tenderly, not even caring that she tastes vaguely of pickles and ketchup. When they pull apart, he rests his forehead against hers, and her breath lingers against his.

“Yes,” he says. “Babe, if you're ready to, I'd love for you to meet my mom. Nothing’d make me happier.”

Sara smiles, full and bright. “Yeah?” she asks. He nods. “Good, because I want to.”

 

.

 

_Y-U-M_ , Sara spells out in Morse Code.

It’s their turn to cook dinner, which means it’s his turn to cook dinner while she keeps him company. She sits on the kitchen counter and uses a mixing spoon to tap it when he offers her a taste of the marinara sauce.

Jax grins, leans forward, and taps, _T-H-A-N-K-S_ on the countertop beside her hips.

She crinkles her nose and calls him a show off, before swiping a piece of garlic bread off a nearby tray. It isn’t cooked yet, but she doesn’t seem to care. He thinks she does it more so because she knows she can. And that he’ll let her get away with it.

He starts to ask her what she’s gonna do about it when Zari walks in to tell them that she and Ray need him. They’ve been working on a way to better calibrate the time drive properly and think they might have come up with something to better stabilize it, but they need Jax to double check their theory before they attempt to implement them.

Sara grins and looks at Jax before she taps, _N-E-R-D_.

_N-E-R-D-S_ , Jax taps back, not missing a beat. If she’s gonna come at him, he’s gonna drag Ray down with him.

Zari stares at them for a minute. “Are you guys talking to each other in Morse Code?” she asks. She doesn’t wait for an answer. “I don’t know what’s more ridiculous: the two of you right now or that I’m no longer surprised by any of the ridiculous shit that happens on this ship.” She shakes her head and turns to leave.

“Hey! Don’t you need Jax?” Sara calls.

Zari doesn’t miss a beat. “Not worth it. I’ll take my chances blowing up the Time Drive with Ray.”

Jax frowns. “Should we be offended?” he asks Sara.

She snorts and takes another bite of her garlic bread.

 

.

 

Jax dreams about being in the captain’s chair.

He’s pretty sure it has to be a dream because there’s no other reason he would be in the captain’s chair. He’s also pretty sure it has to be a dream because Sara’s standing in front of him only wearing a sports bra and a pair of sweatpants. But this dream version of Sara feels a lot like his Sara, to the point where he even forgets that it could be a dream because she smiles at him like Sara, laughs like Sara, looks at him in that way Sara always does when no one else is around.

Climbs his lap like Sara, rides him like Sara, digs her nails into his back and pants into his ear like Sara.

When Jax wakes up with a gasp, he finds the real Sara in the bed next to him, sitting up with Fins propped behind her head and some book about medical herbs her lap. She looks down at him with an incredibly amused grin.

“Sleep well?” she asks. Jax thinks he would probably feel some heat in his cheeks here if he weren’t already flushed. Sara laughs, closes her book, and lies down next to him. “Can I ask who you were dreaming about?”

He raises a brow. “You serious? _You_ ,” he says, surprised that she would even think otherwise. “Babe, why would I need to fantasize ‘bout anyone else when I got you?”

She raises a brow back at him but smiles. “Suck up,” she teases.

“Yup,” he says playfully as he nuzzles the side of her face. “Is it working?” he asks as he places a kiss on her jawline and his arm slides over her waist, gently edging her even closer to him.

Sara smirks before she takes his face in her hands and pulls him up to her. The shift in their positions causes Fins to fall off the bed and onto the floor. He forgets about it immediately though, because she kisses him, hot and heavy, as she rolls onto her back, pulling him along with her. Jax follows her lead so that his body’s over hers but shifts his weight onto his arm, all the while being careful to never break their kiss.

Her hands make their way down his back. “Does that answer your question?” she asks, her lips lingering against his, her breath heavy against his.

She looks up at him with gentle eyes and a mischievous grin and he think it’s ridiculous that she can look so cute and sexy at the same time, but it’s so Sara and he thinks, _fuck_. Because he wonders if it’ll ever stop – this feeling of falling for her. Because every time he thinks he can’t go any further, she does something and he finds himself going even harder for her. Finds himself wanting to fall a little bit deeper.

Thinks there’s no coming back from this. From her. From them.

He doesn’t say any of that though. It isn’t the right time, he knows. Not yet, at least.

Instead, he grins back at her. “Nah,” he answers. “Still seems a little unclear.”

She gasps as his lips meet with her neck. His hand slides under her shirt and she shudders as his fingers brush against her bare skin. He kisses her throat, gently at first, gradually adding pressure. His hand moves up slowly, first along her stomach, tracing the outlines of her muscles and then along the edges of her chest, almost, but not quite, brushing against the bottom of her breasts.

“Jax,” she hisses as he kisses edge of her jawline.

“Yeah?” he asks with a smug grin.

Sara purses her lips. “If this shirt doesn’t come off me right now…”

“Babe,” he says as seriously as he can. “Fins is watching.”

“ _Jax_!”

He laughs and kisses her once before he lifts himself off her long enough for her to grab the edges of her shirt – well, technically his shirt – and pull it over her head. She tosses it to the floor and he sees it land on Fins just before she pulls his face back down towards hers. Jax smirks against her lips before he untangles himself from her. And, before she can even voice the very apparently complaint on her face, he shifts his body lower, leaving a trail of kisses down to the spot in the middle of her chest.

Sara’s breath hitches when his tongue flickers over her breast as his hands as his hand slides down her waist to her hips before they settle on her thighs. His mouth follows along, moving from one breast to another before trailing down her stomach, while his thumb traces circles on the inner parts of her thigh.

He dances along the edges of her underwear at first, before he begins to tug at them as slowly as he can muster. Sara hisses his name again when she realizes what he’s doing and he laughs again, but pulls them off and tosses them to the side. He grins as he repositions himself between her legs, holding the inner parts of her thighs open with his hands.

She gasps the when he kisses and her hand slides over his, intertwining their fingers over her thigh.

She pants his name and her grip tightens over his hand as he slides one finger and then another into her. Her hips press up against him, setting a rhythm he happily follows. He smirks against her as his tongue presses just a little harder into her. Her chest arches and her thighs shake and she clutches his hand so tightly that he thinks he’ll have a bruise in the morning, but he doesn’t even care.

“Jesus,” Sara breathes when she collapses down into the bed.

Jax laughs, full and loud, as he moves up from between her legs. He kisses hard on the mouth, the remnants of her still on his lips. Her hands grip at his back as her legs wrap around his hips and she presses her bare chest against his, closing any distance between them. She bites his lip and when he gasps, she looks at him with this mischievous gleam in her eyes. And, before he even has the chance to think that it could mean something, she rolls them over so that he lands on the bed with her on top of him.

“Wait. You serious?” he asks when she sits up, her hands on his chest. “ _Already_?”

Sara’s smirk grows. “What?” she asks, her hips pressing against the top of his sweatpants. “You didn’t think I’d let you miss out on the fun, did you?”

“Jesus,” Jax says this time and Sara laughs.

 

.

 

Zari is the one who shows him where to go.

They're in Portland in 2039 when he decides he's going to do it. He pulls Zari aside after their mission finishes and asks her if she knows a place, because he can't take a jumpship to 2017 without Sara noticing.

Zari does, of course, and even goes with him to make sure he gets a good deal. She raises a brow when she finds out what exactly he's doing and mumbles something about being stuck with a bunch of losers. But she sits with him through the whole process (mocking him the entire time, of course) and even promises to keep her mouth shut around Sara.

The rest of the day actually goes fairly smooth. He's able to calm down and a riled up Gray without anyone noticing (“Good Lord, Jefferson, I thought I was having a heart attack!” “Look, man, I'm sorry. I'm, like, ninety-eight percent sure it'll fade for you.” “What do you mean _ninety-eight_ percent?”) and even sneak into the shower without Sara catching him shirtless.

His luck runs out when he comes out of the bathroom just as Sara walks into their room. She frowns a little when she sees him. “There you are,” she says. “I’m going take a shower. Care to join me?”

“Uh, nah. Thanks, I'm good,” he says way too quickly. He mentally kicks himself when she raises a brow and wonders if he could have possibly been more obvious. “I’m actually pretty tired, babe, so I'm gonna go to bed,” he says and yawns.

She stares at him for a moment. “Okay…” she says, and he's pretty sure she can tell he's up to something, but isn't sure if it's worth pursuing. Eventually she seems to decide that it isn't and shrugs. Still, she walks over to him and gives him a quick kiss. “Well, I'll be in there if you change your mind,” she tells him and pats him on the chest. Before he can stop himself, Jax winces. Which, of course, causes Sara to stop mid-turn. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing,” he says. She frowns. He sighs. “Look, it's nothing serious. Just took a blow when we were on the field. It'll be fine.”

“And you didn't have Gideon look at it because…?”

He shrugs. “It's nothing a little rest won't cure. So I'm gonna go ahead and go to bed.”

Jax makes it less than two steps before Sara grabs his arm and pulls him back. “Take off your shirt.”

“Babe, I'm not really in the mood right now. But I can do you if you want,” he offers with a cheeky grin.

She frowns and crosses her arms. And waits.

He sighs, realizing that he doesn't really have an out anymore, before he pulls his shirt off the top of his head.

“Jax,” Sara says slowly, staring at the left part of his chest, right over his heart. “What. Is. _That_?”

He shrugs and tries to play it cool. “It's Fins,” he says as casually as he can.

“You got a tattoo. Of Fins. Of my _stuffed animal_.”

He’s tempted, but decides it probably isn’t the right time to point out that she finally said Fins’s name. Instead he sighs. “This wasn’t how I wanted to tell you. I had this whole thing planned out. It was going to be hella more romantic than this.”

She frowns. “Tell me what.”

He smiles a little tightly and his heart pounds against his chest. It’s ridiculous how he can be a grown ass man and suddenly feel like a nervous kid. Still, he doesn’t hesitate. Because he knows there’s nothing to hesitate over.

“That I love you.”

It’s a little surprising how Sara, who always seems so prepared for everything, suddenly becomes so very still. For a moment, Jax wonders if she even remembers that she’s supposed to breathe. She stares at him for a beat, and then another, before she looks down at his tattoo again. Finally, she frowns.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” she says. “It’ll be hard to get rid of later on.”

He raises a brow and reminds her that this ain’t his first rodeo and he knows a thing or two ‘bout picking out what he wants. “‘Sides,” he adds, “What makes you think I’ll wanna get rid of it? You plannin’ on dumping me or something?” he jokes. When she doesn’t respond, he frowns. “Wait.   _Are_ you planning on dumping me?”

She pauses for half a second, but shakes her head. “But I’ve been through this type of thing before, with Nyssa and with Ollie. And it didn’t end the way we wanted either time.”

“Yeah, and do you regret it?” he asks. He doesn’t need an answer to know, but waits for her to shakes her head before he continues. “Then why would I regret this?” he says. “Sara, are you forgetting that I want this? That I chose this? Because I did.”

The thing is, this relationship between them? It didn’t have to happen. It wasn’t love at first sight or anything like that. Sure, he thought she was cute, but he wasn’t about to trip over himself to get next to her. But it was friendship at first sight. That was what they fell head first into. That was what they couldn’t fight: Friendship. Because _that_ ’s who they are at their cores.

This relationship happening now came later. And it came when they chose it. They could have spent the rest of their lives as friends and they would have been happy. But they wanted this, so that’s why they’re here. Because they _wanted_ this. They chose this.

“I’m always gonna choose you, Sara,” Jax says, holding her hands over his chest and the fresh tattoo. “I want to choose you. And if you ever decide that you don’t, it’ll suck. A _lot_. But I’ll be alright because I’ll still have my best friend. Because there’s nothing that could happen that would take that away. You’re a part of me now. You always will be. I love you. No matter what.”

It hurts a little that Sara looks away from him when he says that. She looks down at their hands and stays silent for an almost uncomfortably long time. It's just when Jax thinks that maybe he should take this as his cue to leave and give her some time that she squeezes his hands ever so gently.

“I… can’t,” she admits. “It’s not that I… Everyone I’ve ever said it to…”

Without thinking about it, Jax closes what little distance remains between them. He wants to tell her that he’s not planning on going anywhere, but he knows that won’t make a difference. None of the people she’s ever lost have planned on it. He thinks that even saying that would make it worse for her, like there’s some sort of curse against her that makes her lose everyone who promises to stay.

Instead, Jax takes her face in his hands. “Hey, you don’t have to say anything you don’t wanna.” He smiles gently. “This is where I am and I wanted you to know. That’s all.”

“And if I can't ever say it? Can you really be okay with that?” she asks, somewhere between defiantly and heartbroken, as if she is fighting her instincts to throw her walls back up. “I’d understand if you're not. It's not fair to you.”

He shakes his head. “It don't matter what you say. All that matters is what you feel. I can deal with whatever else. Promise.”

Sara looks at him for a moment, open and vulnerable. She doesn't say anything, but leans up and kisses him, long and sweet, like she's trying to put the words she can't say into the kiss. When she finally pulls back, her whole body relaxes and she leans against him, her head resting against his chin. He wraps his arms around her waist, holding her as close as he can.

“Thank you,” she says, breath hard, her voice just barely cracking. He presses his lips against the top of her head and breathes her in. “Thank you for understanding.”

He smiles against her. “Anytime,” he says. He pauses, then says playfully, “Now can we go to sleep, babe? I'm fucking exhausted.”

She laughs and nods.

When they get into bed, they curl up with his head nuzzled against her neck, and her arms around his back and her head resting on his. As Jax begins the drift to sleep, he feels Sara’s finger tapping against his back. It begins gently, but steady, without any sense of rhythm. But gradually it changes into a steady pattern, forming into a message. If she were anyone else, he would even wonder if it was a coincidence. But not Sara.

_I L-O-V-E Y-O-U._

He squeezes her waist softly, just enough to let her know that he understands. She presses her lips against the top of his head. And they stay there like that, falling asleep to the gentle, rhythmic tapping.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm 85% sure this is not actually how Morse Code works and I'm so sorry.


End file.
